How do i start this..
I guess if you dont know me – or you do, but havnt been following my life recently (dont you worry, i understand. It’s the 21st century and we’re all busy doing something else..) you should know that i have just left my “home” – in every sense of the word, and moved to Toronto, Canada.
Finally the time to really, actually grow up and leave the “coup” (which I feel is a rather appropriate analogy when you come from a place as small as New Zealand) has grasped me.
And it really did “grasp” me.. In the breathless, unexpected, terrifying way that the word itself resonates.
So for today I am going to ponder this feeling – mainly for myself, but also for anyone else who happens to be interested in my journey..
I guess I should make clear that, yes! I made the decision to go.. I was even enthusiastic about it.
I planned it all out; I saw it coming. It was a long time in the making. I couldn’t have asked for more notice.
But as it turns out, the difference between planning to do such a thing, knowing your going to do that thing, and then to actually going ahead and doing it are 3 very, very different notions. ..
Planning is easy; we all do it, all day, without commitment.
Acknowledging and following through a plan is harder – commitment becomes a requirement, and too many of us are no good at that..
But “doing”. “Doing” is just… something else .
I mean, yea “doing” more often than not brings into play a new physical component, but this physical movement is only touching the very unimportant edge of the differential gap.
As humans we deal with the physical every day. Every second. Every breath, in an obvious, tangible and blatantly evident manner.
It’s not the physical that’s hard. It’s the emotional.
I have come to realize and accept on a very deep and emotional level, that everything that I have been given in life so far.. Has been absolutely perfect.
It takes far too much prompting to reach this realization in life.
But further, I must now accept that I have gone and made a rather large change to that perfection. ..
Its been hard.
We all need to grow up sometime. Change happens; with or without permission and planning. Travel is necessary. New cultures are eye opening etc etc.
BUT Leaving New Zealand and saying goodbye to those friends who have helped me through the tough times and who have laughed with me through the good times, was EASILY the HARDEST thing I have had to do in my 21 years so far.
Needless to say, there were tears..
Public, uninhibited, uncontrollable tears.
And they were 100% necessary and 100% worth it.
The friends that I leave behind physically in a matter of steps and a couple of plane rides.. I cannot leave behind quite so easily emotionally.
And I hope (and need to believe) that i will see the ones that matter again, later in life. And will stay in touch with the majority (and in this age of technology, how can I not?!).
But now it’s time to get on the plane, and hopefully on with life.